Saturday, August 09, 2008

calm yourself woman........

ok so it's been an interesting week. I've been dealing with all this emotional bs right? Well on monday I found out that my SIL bought Twilight. I asked her if she was gonna read it or if I could start it. She said ya but that she wanted to start it this weekend, I said thats fine I should be done middle of the week no problem. HA! Never did I know that I'd finish it in 5 hours. Ya 5 hours!! The book is so well written, so intriguing. It makes me want to know more, and I couldn't put it down! So I finished it before I even went to bed and I was left thinking what was going to become of my beloved Edward and Bella. So I decided that after I dropped James off at joy school on Tuesday morning I'd head to Target with Sophie and get the next book. Well I was there, they had the remaining 3, and I couldn't resist. Yes I bought all 3 of them, which I am so happy I did.....will explain later. So I get number 2, and I couldn't wait to start reading so I went to the parking lot, turned on the car got the air started and drove closer to where I'd have to pick up James from school, and started reading. I hated having to stop! It's been a long time since my brain and eyes, have gotten such a good workout! So I continued to read and had them all finished by Thursday morning. Yes, I read very fast, a curse and a blessing. I'm not sure I could have stood it if I didn't find out everything so quickly! Bad part is now I am fantasizing about a vampire and a girl! Well fantasizing might be the wrong word, but I constantly think about them. I hear songs and I think...ooh that be good at this part of this book. I'm really super stoked for the movie. So tonight I was visiting and playing around. Found out that she's going to be writing a new book called "Midnight Sun", which will basically be Twilight again but written from Edwards point of view instead of from Bella's. Can I tell ya how excited I am for that?! I truly hope that she continues on and writes more to this series, eventhough she said that "Breaking Dawn" was the conclusion. But I want to know more! I want to know what happens with Jacob and a certain someone (don't wanna ruin it for those who haven't read BD!!) I want to hear more about Edward and Bella's love story. It's so great, so pure, so beautiful! Ah well I can only hope right? lol! So that's been the excitement of the week...........until today.

Sean's coming home on the 20th for a visit!!!! I'm so beyond excited!! Not even funny how much I can't wait to see him! He'll only be here for 2 weeks, but I am truly grateful for his command changing schedules around so that he could come and see us! He'll be here for his birthday so now I have to plan some super fun stuff! Ideas???

Monday, August 04, 2008

i wish

I could see him. face to face. touch him. smell him. breathe him. I long to see him smile at me with those warm sparkling inviting eyes. I hate being so far for so long. I hate having to fake a smile and tell people that I'm doing fine, when I'm not. I hate when I hear that tone in his voice, the one that makes him so vulnerable. I hate hearing him cry because I tell him that we miss him. When I tell him that James keeps asking me when will daddy be here. When I see him standing at a window looking out and I ask what he's doing and he says waiting for daddy. I hate having seperate lives, but having to still try and maintain our marriage. Why us? Why did we have to move to Maryland, why did he have to get stationed at THAT base? Sometimes I question why heavenly father put us through everything we've gone through. I am sure that it will be all beneficial in the end. Everyone says if you CAN make it through this you'll be able to make it through anything. But what happens if we don't? I refuse to quit. I can't give up. I'm in this for eternity and I want to be. But I want to be there living life as a family. It's been 9 months since we saw him last and I can't even remember what it feels like to have him hold my hand, or feel him sneak up behind me when he gets home. I can't remember his smell, although while out and about I always smell thing that remind me of him. I hate having to tolerate the pain of crying every night. Having to be a "single" mother. I'm not that kinda woman. I need my husband. I want him. I can not imagine my life without him. That'd be the worst thing I'd ever have to deal with. I try to stay positive about his impending deployment but it's impossible not to have that fear in the back of my mind. I just want all of this to be over. But I obviously don't get what I want!

Sorry this is such a blah post again. But at least I'm posting right?! lol!

btw read Twilight today, you should too. It was awesome. It however reminded me of Sean, and made me miss him that much more. But it's a great read.


Sunday, August 03, 2008

when do you give up?????

When do you stop fighting a 3 year old on taking a nap. James fell asleep on the way home from church, about 5 mins he was asleep. It's been over an hour and he's still not asleep. I've tried reading, singing, and spanking. Yes I spanked him {gasp} Don't call CPS cuz I didn't beat him, I spanked his butt cuz he came out yelled at me said "you're not my friend ANYMORE" hit me and walked away. I kindly tried talking to him, and for me thats hard to do, as I don't have a good amount of patience. He looked at me and spit. That was it. I couldn't take it anymore. I spanked him and put him back in his bed and closed the door. He's still screaming, kicking the door, fighting me to no avail. I just don't know when I should say whatever I give up. I can't fight anymore. Although I know if I give in and let him stay up then that's what he'll do, and in technicality he'll win the fight. I don't like losing! lol.

~~~~It's been 15 mins since I started typing and I finally hear silence, not sure how long it's gonna last though. Keep your fingers crossed!!!

BTW thank you all for your kind words and love. I truly appreciate it. Life is hard. I'm not one of those women who can function without her husband. God forbid anything horrible happen to him, I'd be a ridiculous mess. I just want him home. I want to go out with the other mommies I know and just have my husband keep the kids. I want to have a home of OUR own. I'm tired of living with people, tired of having to share my space, tired of dealing with attitude from a 12 year old that has NO respect for her elders, not even her parents. That makes me nuts! Sometimes I wanna wash her mouth out with soap!

But I will survive. Sean always makes me feel better. Always comes up with the right words to say. A few days ago, when I was having an esp bad day and he was at work he sent me this text:
"Hi baby. I just wanted to tell ou that I love you and miss you. And thank you for all the things you do for our family. and thank you for loving me back and making me the happiest man ever." How can I not smile after that? Thanks babe. Love ya!

I'll be back later after I do some picture editing. I read Jenney's blog and I'm totally gonna steal her idea. Thanks again for reading. I love you girls!!