I could see him. face to face. touch him. smell him. breathe him. I long to see him smile at me with those warm sparkling inviting eyes. I hate being so far for so long. I hate having to fake a smile and tell people that I'm doing fine, when I'm not. I hate when I hear that tone in his voice, the one that makes him so vulnerable. I hate hearing him cry because I tell him that we miss him. When I tell him that James keeps asking me when will daddy be here. When I see him standing at a window looking out and I ask what he's doing and he says waiting for daddy. I hate having seperate lives, but having to still try and maintain our marriage. Why us? Why did we have to move to Maryland, why did he have to get stationed at THAT base? Sometimes I question why heavenly father put us through everything we've gone through. I am sure that it will be all beneficial in the end. Everyone says if you CAN make it through this you'll be able to make it through anything. But what happens if we don't? I refuse to quit. I can't give up. I'm in this for eternity and I want to be. But I want to be there living life as a family. It's been 9 months since we saw him last and I can't even remember what it feels like to have him hold my hand, or feel him sneak up behind me when he gets home. I can't remember his smell, although while out and about I always smell thing that remind me of him. I hate having to tolerate the pain of crying every night. Having to be a "single" mother. I'm not that kinda woman. I need my husband. I want him. I can not imagine my life without him. That'd be the worst thing I'd ever have to deal with. I try to stay positive about his impending deployment but it's impossible not to have that fear in the back of my mind. I just want all of this to be over. But I obviously don't get what I want!
Sorry this is such a blah post again. But at least I'm posting right?! lol!
btw read Twilight today, you should too. It was awesome. It however reminded me of Sean, and made me miss him that much more. But it's a great read.
xo
jenn
Monday, August 04, 2008
i wish
at 10:39 PM
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3 comments:
Hugs!
Oh, you're such a sweet girl!! I'm so sorry for you family, but I know you are strong enough to handle this. Just remember, Heavenly Father never gives us more than we can handle. When things are bad and we think we can't take it anymore just keep in mind how much he loves you and that he must have a lot of faith in you and your abilities. I'll be thinking about you. :)
Oh, and I just read Twilight too! So good!! But I know what you mean about missing Sean more now after reading it. I miss Tim and he lives with me! :D Edward is just too wonderful! He's ruining it for all the real husbands out there!! :P I started the books last Wednesday and I am going to finish the last one today - only 200 pages to go! :)
Hang in there!! :)
Huge hugs to you girlie....
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