i wish

I could see him. face to face. touch him. smell him. breathe him. I long to see him smile at me with those warm sparkling inviting eyes. I hate being so far for so long. I hate having to fake a smile and tell people that I'm doing fine, when I'm not. I hate when I hear that tone in his voice, the one that makes him so vulnerable. I hate hearing him cry because I tell him that we miss him. When I tell him that James keeps asking me when will daddy be here. When I see him standing at a window looking out and I ask what he's doing and he says waiting for daddy. I hate having seperate lives, but having to still try and maintain our marriage. Why us? Why did we have to move to Maryland, why did he have to get stationed at THAT base? Sometimes I question why heavenly father put us through everything we've gone through. I am sure that it will be all beneficial in the end. Everyone says if you CAN make it through this you'll be able to make it through anything. But what happens if we don't? I refuse to quit. I can't give up. I'm in this for eternity and I want to be. But I want to be there living life as a family. It's been 9 months since we saw him last and I can't even remember what it feels like to have him hold my hand, or feel him sneak up behind me when he gets home. I can't remember his smell, although while out and about I always smell thing that remind me of him. I hate having to tolerate the pain of crying every night. Having to be a "single" mother. I'm not that kinda woman. I need my husband. I want him. I can not imagine my life without him. That'd be the worst thing I'd ever have to deal with. I try to stay positive about his impending deployment but it's impossible not to have that fear in the back of my mind. I just want all of this to be over. But I obviously don't get what I want!

Sorry this is such a blah post again. But at least I'm posting right?! lol!

btw read Twilight today, you should too. It was awesome. It however reminded me of Sean, and made me miss him that much more. But it's a great read.

xo
jenn

when do you give up?????

When do you stop fighting a 3 year old on taking a nap. James fell asleep on the way home from church, about 5 mins he was asleep. It's been over an hour and he's still not asleep. I've tried reading, singing, and spanking. Yes I spanked him {gasp} Don't call CPS cuz I didn't beat him, I spanked his butt cuz he came out yelled at me said "you're not my friend ANYMORE" hit me and walked away. I kindly tried talking to him, and for me thats hard to do, as I don't have a good amount of patience. He looked at me and spit. That was it. I couldn't take it anymore. I spanked him and put him back in his bed and closed the door. He's still screaming, kicking the door, fighting me to no avail. I just don't know when I should say whatever I give up. I can't fight anymore. Although I know if I give in and let him stay up then that's what he'll do, and in technicality he'll win the fight. I don't like losing! lol.

~~~~It's been 15 mins since I started typing and I finally hear silence, not sure how long it's gonna last though. Keep your fingers crossed!!!

BTW thank you all for your kind words and love. I truly appreciate it. Life is hard. I'm not one of those women who can function without her husband. God forbid anything horrible happen to him, I'd be a ridiculous mess. I just want him home. I want to go out with the other mommies I know and just have my husband keep the kids. I want to have a home of OUR own. I'm tired of living with people, tired of having to share my space, tired of dealing with attitude from a 12 year old that has NO respect for her elders, not even her parents. That makes me nuts! Sometimes I wanna wash her mouth out with soap!

But I will survive. Sean always makes me feel better. Always comes up with the right words to say. A few days ago, when I was having an esp bad day and he was at work he sent me this text:
"Hi baby. I just wanted to tell ou that I love you and miss you. And thank you for all the things you do for our family. and thank you for loving me back and making me the happiest man ever." How can I not smile after that? Thanks babe. Love ya!

I'll be back later after I do some picture editing. I read Jenney's blog and I'm totally gonna steal her idea. Thanks again for reading. I love you girls!!

xo
jenn

sorry

Ok so it's been awhile since I've updated, I know I'm slacker!! Things have been crazy busy. Kids are sick today, and I got zero sleep last night. I'm exhausted. But things have been goin. I've been losing more weight, happy about that. Although been feeling a might bit depressed lately, and not completing assignments on time, etc etc. It sucks. I miss Sean something fierce and it's starting to get to me. The Navy keeps jerkin him around on orders and its pissin me off. I just wish they'd hurry up and give him "hard copy" so we know when and where he's going. I've been trying to scrap but I just can't find much time. I did get a few things done with GCD products for S4L but I didn't get everything done, or I don't think I did. Sorry girls! I promise next month will be better. I'm determined to set time aside for me. I don't need to take the kids to every possible playdate and I don't have to keep the house spotless. Don't even get me started on my MIL, she's about ready to make me nuts. Not sure what I've done to make her mad, but it must have been something good. She's had attitude towards me and the kids since she got home from Oregon over a week ago, and I just don't get it. Pray for my sanity please! Ok so short and sweet today. I'm tired but wanted to let anyone who reads this thing know I am still alive!

xo
jenn

Whoo's the OLD-er guy?

Haha! I made this card for my dad, his birthday is this weekend. I used the sketch from 2Sketches4You that Laura created. I also use GCD studios papers that you can buy for 10% off at Scrap4Life this month. I admit when I got my package I was a bit nervous, but I had a lot of fun makin this card!! The owl stamp is from Sheila at Thats Jazzy Stamp Dreams, it was part of last months mini kit from Paper Popsicles, and I LOVE it! Ok so here's the card


Isn't it cute?! I wanted to make it kinda manly so thats why there are so many staples! but they are color patterns.....thats my ocd comin out!

So I also made other cards, for the DT call that they are having. I love using their sketches so I figured hey why not?! So I can't show those just yet, but once the call is over then I can post them. Keep your fingers crossed that I make it! lol!

It's a busy thursday and James already has attitude. GRR! We need pre-school!!!!!

xo
jenn

Dear Ginnie,

I have found a new friend. She's so awesome, and it feels like we've known eachother for years. We have clicked like I've never clicked with a friend before. I'm so happy! We both have kids about the same age. James and Luke are buddies and they have fun together! Lukie-as James calls him, has taught James things already....ahem how to pee standing up outside! lol! James thinks its the most fun ever!!! We went to the circus with Ginnie and her family and it was fun! James got tired after awhile and Sophie did not want to go to sleep but we managed!! The past few weeks we've hung out alot and it's been really great! I love to have one really good friend that you can call and talk to about whatever, and have fun together. So this is for Ginnie, who reads my blog and asks me why I don't update! lol! Here ya go girl!! PS-her mama is in the hospital right now, so if all my readers can keep her in your prayers that'd be loverly!

Ok so scrappy stuff- I haven't done alot. Done a page or two. I'm too lazy to get them posted for you, so check back tomorrow and I'll get them up. Addicted is getting prep'd for a cyber crop. It's gonna be next weekend, come and play!! There are alot of challenges goin on this month too. Tons of fun to be had! I'm preparing the details for our September guest designer call, keep your eyes out for that. I'll be giving hints in the next few weeks for what you need to do!!

This month at S4L the manufacturer of the month is GCD studios. I am im-patiently awaiting for my goodie box to arrive! I really HATE waiting!! lol! I'll be sure to do more updating once I have goodies in my hand!

On the ME front, I'm doing well. The last 2 days I've gotten the kiddos in the jogger and went walking. I've been going for 45mins-60mins. I keep cramping on my side, but today found that if I drink more water I feel a bit better. I haven't weighed myself recently so I have no clue how much more, if any, I have lost. Today was an emotional day with my in-laws. It's hard to go out with them cuz they don't remember what it's like to have 2 little babies. I cried. Talked to Sean, told him there is absolutley NO way I can stay here until 2010. So I started looking at houses today. Found a bunch I like, all in a good area....lol it's actually pretty close to Ginnie's house! That just happened by coincidence...seriously! So we'll see how it goes. It sucks because we need to buy a new car before mine with it's 136k miles on it dies, but there is no way that we can buy a new car, and get a house on what we're makin. I'm thinkin I'll have to get a job. The good news is, the CDC (child development center) on base pays like $11 bucks an hour. I'm gonna look into getting a job there. Then I'd be able to have the kiddos right there with me, kwim? I don't wanna work, not at all, but if thats what I have to do, then I'll do it.

So this has ended up WAY longer than expected! My bad! lol! If you've made it all the way through, bravo!! Check back soon. I promise to not take so long to update again!!

Oh and cuz I can't leave without a picture of my babies, here they are.

xo

jenn

WebMD is my friend

James has been puking for about 3 hours now and there's no end in sight. Poor kid. He's really only throwing up water, but anything I've tried to give him he can't keep down. I went to WebMD and read up and found out some good stuff. Sophie's been puky too but I thought that was because of a formula change, maybe not though. But she did keep some food down today so I dunno. I hate not being able to help him. It's awful. really really awful. I'm even starting to feel sick. This blows. I wish Sean were here right now. I'm exhausted and so is James and Sophie's gonna wake up soon. Life is no bueno right now. =(

as promised

here is another card that I did today using the Addicted kit. This is based on sketch #5 from Creatively yours. First time playing with one of her sketches, but check it out because she has tons of great ones! Have I mentioned that I've fallen back in love with sketches! I love using them but interpreting them in my own way! Fun fun fun!! Notice the wave in the sentiment? yeah that was a happy accident! lol!



I did a card also for 2sketches4you but forgot to upload it before today, I keep doin that! UgH! oh well, my friend Lynda is part of the Fab 5 this week! Congrats girl!! So I'll be back later, again, to post more stuff. I have to take care of the kids before they destroy my house! Did I mention that Sophie is crawling? I forgot to post the video, so I'll do that later too!

until then

xo
jenn

Goin digital

Ok so not totally but it's fun to do while I'm sittin in the room with the kids. They don't like to stay down in my scrap space and play so I go out to the living room. So yesterday I was on google reader and Chris at Sketch me if you can announced that she had some new stuff in her store, plus a coupon. So I went over and checked it out and got some great kits and embellies! I LOVE the glitter accents that she made! They are just way too cool! She's the only person I've used a digi kit from, except the free one like 2 years ago from CK made by Jessica Sprauge. I wonder how to make a kit though?? I'm interested in learning how to do it, but thats a venture for another day!! So here is a lo that I made last night using the Spring in my step kit that kit is only $2 bucks! How can you go wrong with that!!! So here is the page I made and I used her latest sketch too!!

Check out her blog for some freebies right now too. She really has some awesome stuff and it's tons of fun to play with! I got 4 other things all for $6 bucks! So great!! So I'm gonna try printing some stuff off to see if I can make some hybrid stuff! Oh and this page is gonna be printed off 8x8 and go into a book for Sean to take with him when he deploys! He didn't want any pages with actual embellies on them because he's afraid they won't last! So I'm doin a digi book for him!!

On another note we didn't make it to church today. Sophie started puking this morning and hasn't stopped. It's yucky and I feel horrible because there is nothing I can do for her. I'm not sure whats goin on with her but hopefully when she wakes up she'll be feelin better. I have to go give James some lunch. I'll be back later to post some more stuff I've made using the AS "Sunshine & Popsicles" kit! I've loved working with the Cosmo Cricket pp's! It's such great fun!!

happy sunday!

xo
jenn

geez i'm a postin fool today!

Ok so I did another project using the Addicted Scrappers kit. It's a sweet little card! I used sketch #55 from Sketch this Such fun to make a card from a lo sketch! Thats not something I've ever done before!!! Wahoo!! lol! Ok so it's 11:10 and I'm goin to bed! I know thats amazing but I'm exhausted. Sophie's still not sleeping through the night and 3 am is gonna roll around way too fast! Oh geez I almost forgot I need to post the picture! lol! so here it is and I'll be back soon with more creations!

xo

jenn

July at Addicted Scrappers

Oh my there is such yumminess and fun happening over there! I'm stoked that I get to work with the "Sunshine and Popsicles" kit (isn't that a cute name!) Here is a look at both kits for July, if you want one snag it quick I know they'll go quick this month!

"Sunshine and Popsicles"

July "Grafton" kit. This kit is so yummo too. I had a hard time choosing which one I wanted to play with. Poor James doesn't get many pages made about him anymore and this kit would be great! Although I'm sure that Susannah will show us a wonderful way to use it for girls, as she always does!

So those are the kits. Go check them out. She has subscriptions too, and she works with you if you have some sort of special request! Can't go wrong with that!!

Also check out the forum this month. We are going to have a crop, contests, and tons of challenges! We want to make the next 3 months as jam packed full of fun as we possibly can! Our new DT is sure to surprise with all the goodness coming your way! I'd love to have you come on over and check it out! Plus we'll be doing a Guest DT call for September soon, so watch out for that!

OH DUH!! I almost totally forgot that I already did a LO with the kit! lol!! Here is the page, details to follow.......

Ok so everything except, the white and black scallop pieces are in the kit, or kit add-on. Is this not so much fun? I love Cosmo Cricket! They always have such awesome stuff!! Now I'm not in love with the picture of me but Sean asked me to do a page with it because he really likes it. Said he loves how my lips look :blush: lol! It's amazing what you can do with a little lip gloss! So this page was made using a sketch from Sketches-r-us which is one of my very favorite sketch sites! But this is the very first time I have used one of the sketches! I have like a bagillion printed off I just can't ever seem to get to use them!

Alright I have to stop blogging for now. Ok one more thing. I've lost another 5 pounds this week. I need to go update my little ticker thingy over there! But yeah I'm pretty stoked! Alright done for real. Thanks again for stopping by!

xo

jenn

Piggy Tales

This card I used a "barn door" and it opens up to show this, this card is CPS #66. Paper Popsicles used it for their sketch of the month for June.
it's hard to tell but I put a "pig tail" under the train to make it pop. This card was made using an awesome sketch from Kazan.

Used another barn door and I hung the train from gross grain ribbon. This is also sketch #2 by Laura from 2 sketches 4 you

This month at Scrap4Life we had the pleasure of working with Piggy Tales products. Last night Brandon, from Pt, was there chatting with us. I totally missed it because James was being a terror and I'm totally bummed. But I still got to work with their stuff and it was great! I've only ever played with it once before and that was with the NSD kit. Before that I'd never used any of their products! I must say that I love their stuff! The papers this year are eco friendly and thats just cool!! So here is what I created with my pack using the Steadfast Tin Soldier collection (which was a perfect choice for me, James LOVES trains!!)

Thanks for stopping by!

xo

jenn

aaah peace for a while

The kids are both in bed. I dunno what to do with myself! lol! I know that I need to update my blog with some stuff I've been workin on though!!

First I want to congratulate Dawn, and Gina for making the cut for Addicted Scrappers dt. We had TONS of awesome talent apply and really had a hard time narrowing it down. In sisterly fashion we went back and forth but in the end agreed that these girls would do the job! We'll be doing the call again in 3 months, so if you're interested join the site! One of our biggest things is being active on the boards. I feel bad cuz the last few weeks I haven't been around a bunch but I've had a good excuse! So congrats girls!!

So what have I been workin on??? CARDS! I have been in love with makin them lately. I can't show you a bunch yet cuz I'm waitin on a DT reveal to be released, but I do have a few I can show ya! Oh and some LO's that I made using Piggy Tales, who is the Manuf. of the Month at S4L. Ok let the pictures begin!

this is of my sweet boy, who will be 3 next month! I can't believe that. He's such a cute booger!


This one we had to make a layout about Dad. Since I didn't have any recent pics with Sean and the kids, so I made this. I love the simplicity of it!



This card was made for a new challenge site that I found through another blog. But I can't for the life of me remember what it is. I bookmarked it last night, but its not on my links. =( So this week's challenge is a sketch, it's a stamping challenge blog, so if you know what it is PLEASE tell me! Anyways here's the card made using Piggy Tales stuff from the NSD kit at S4L. I LOVE that kit!




so enjoy this for now, i'll be back to post the rest of my cards soon I hope!

xo
jenn

I'm home!

Ok so here I am! I actually came home yesterday. I feel really good! I seriously was expecting to be worse off but I'm not so wahoo!! I've not totally figured out how to work this handy little tool, but I'll figure it out! Today I got to start the "full liquids" stage and I'm lovin it! It's easier than I thought it would be! Campbells selects makes this yummy portobello mushroom cream soup that is totally delicious! I have to drink protein drinks, and that doesn't make me happy. They are so nasty! I hate drinking them, but it's a neccesary evil, at least until I figure out what other people are doing to get protein in. I'm gonna post some links for pics of my incisions tomorrow cuz right now I need to hop in bed. But just so you know it's nothin pretty to look at, so don't look unless you wanna see how minimal it is. Thank you to all of you who have sent me love and well wishes, you are all awesome! I can't wait to start tracking this journey on my loverly little blog for you all to see! Mostly I can't wait to see the new me! I'm very excited and so happy with the choice I have made! Please excuse the goofy expression on my face, I was trying to take this picture and James was bein a booger! But I like it! lol!

xo

jenn

UGH.....

I went in for my pre-op testing. I didn't expect this to happen. I was told I have to stop breastfeeding Sophie. After about 30 mins chatting with the La Leche chick and crying and crying, I decided it'd be ok. I'd be alright. I wanted to make it to 9 months but made it to 7. I suposse I could have postponed the surgery but I'd rather give up the nursing than the surgery date. So it sucks but I'll survive. I am super excited. I've been reading posts, blogs and tons of stuff from lapband talk, I've been enjoying what I'm reading. There are some people that are REALLY inspiring! I can't wait to start my journey. I think I am most excited to play with the kids and not have to worry about people judging me and my "jello" body. I know that alot of people look at me totally normal, but I feel like they are undressing me with their eyes and going EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!! I was pretty embarassed to tell anyone about the surgery because I thought that people would judge me, and yes some have. Alot of people tell me I am taking the easy way out and to those people I say bite me! Its not easy at all. All that Lapband is, is a tool for helping me to drop weight. I have to totally adjust my eating habits, what I eat, and my exercise. It's not going to be easy at all. So please if you have something negative to say keep it to yourself. Remember if you don't have somethin nice to say don't say nuthin at all! So I am counting down until monday. then i'll be counting down until Sean gets home and goes HOLY mother! lol! I can't wait to see the look on his face! I'm super excited! Have I said that already??! I'll update when I get home and let ya'll know how it goes!

xo
jenn

2 sketches 4 you

Ok so my friend and ooober talented chick, Kazan and her friend Laura, have created a new sketch blog. I am in LOVE with it! I have created 3 cards, only have one to show you right now, but you def. need to check out the site. The link is in my sidebar, but here it is just in case youre too lazy to go click it! lol! http://2sketches4you.blogspot.com/ This weeks sketch is drawn by Kazan, who seriously draws some friggin awesome stuff! Plus to boot her pages and cards rock! Love ya girl! ;) So without further ado here is my card created with sketch 3. I made this for a friend from S4L that just had a baby boy, who is totally adorable btw! Ok ok here is the card




I LOVE this SEI paper that I got from S4L. It's so much fun! I had a good time making this card. First time I did the whole "stitching" with ribbon and I love how it turned out!!

And for my last comment for now. I want to say a HUGE thank you for all of my friends who are posting comments, sending emails, sending cards, and I even got one phone call!! You girls sure have made me happy and made my day better. Thank you for thinking of me. I'll sort through all this mess and be on track to happiness again soon! Seriously you have touched me. So thank you again! Come back soon as I'll be uploading all that scrappy goodness I told ya about a few days ago!!




xo
jenn

alrighty then......

ok so finally i'll update. i found out what was going on and all is well. i feel better now! this has been a whirlwind of a week and it seems to have gone by WAY to fast! I can't believe that it's monday! So I decided it was time to pull my head outta my butt and try to get back to life. I have a ton of RAK's and prizes that need to be mailed out, so if you are waiting for that from me I am sorry! I SUCK at going to the po!! In my defense it is a bit hard with 2 kids and ZERO help! I have been ridiculously cranky and irritable and busy. James has been nothing but a giant PITA today and my head is throbbing. Sorry if this has zero structure and seems like word vomit but I am just puttin things down as they come out! It's the final week for the DT call at Addicted Scrappers and I can't wait to see what the girls do this week! I really can't wait to pick the team! It's gonna be hard because there is a TON of talent that is applying! Its fun though because this call is a 3 month term so we'll have new peeps again in 3 months! SO much fun! I think the next one will be a traditional call though, just seems easier. But I dunno we'll see how that goes!! Sean still has no clue when he'll be home, hopefully he'll find out this week though. But my surgery is in one week and I am so damn excited I can't even explain. Yes I am a bit nervous, and scared but mostly excited!! It's gonna suck for sure afterwards, but I am really up for the challenge! I didn't make the DT at Paper Popsicles but I am totally ok with that. I love the site and the team they chose is great! I can't wait to see what they do! Congrats girls! Esp to Jackie G. Whom I think is my new bestest friend. She sent me the most lovely card with a letter and I cried because it was just that great. It truly made my day girly! Thank you a million times! I have it sitting right on my desk just so I can remember that there really are nice people out there that care! Ok enough rambling. I need to sleep and I'll make a real post tomorrow to show ya'll some stuff I have been making, there is some OOOBER cute goodness coming your way!! ;_)

ugh

there's something wrong with one of my sisters and my family seems to think it necessary to keep me out of the loop. it's almost 1am I can't sleep, I've been sick to my stomach all night and it's killing me. I wish that someone would just let me know if she's ok. Because it hurts thinking that your family is keeping secrets. So while trying to deal with all my own issues I'm worried sick about her. Someone just needs to talk to me.

so sketchy

I've been playing with cards today using a bunch of different sketches. The first one is from http://sosketchy.blogspot.com/ Ally runs the blog and the sketches rawk! This card is for the May 1st card sketch. I did a lo based off of this card sketch too. Here that is. I am seriously in LOVE with this page!

I have more cards to upload but I need to feed Sophie real quick. I'll update this post later tonight with the great cards I made using the May Addict Card Kit "Totally Amp'd" its seriously awesome!

xo

jenn

50 posts and your questions answered

This is my 50th post! How cool is that! Today has been a pretty darn good day! I got our room almost totally cleaned....I'm posting pics when I'm done cuz a few people don't believe me when I say we are all squished into one room!

I was working on the info for the DT call at Addicted Scrappers today and it's gonna be tons of fun! Keep you eyes peeled for that info! Scrap 4 Life.....Jodie is givin the DT awesomeness this month! we are getting 40% off PLUS $10 bucks to spen! How awesome is that! My wishlist should be getting smaller but everytime I buy stuff it gets big again! lol!

I've been playing with my guest designer stuff for paper popsicles and I'm having fun. I altered 2 journals, one gift card box, and have done one...almost 3 pages so far! Thanks Melissa! Speaking of Paper Popsicles check out the clearance section.....its on SALE! How awesome is that!!! Check it out at www.paperpopsicles.com Check out the half sheets section too! and my personal fave....the Stamps and Theme kits! You really can't go wrong in this store!

Ok so now to answer the big kahuna. I have gotten a ton of emails........I SERIOUSLY didn't realize anyone read my blog! lol! But people wanna know whats wrong, why am I depressed. So to answer it....It's really quite simple but I have to tell the story for you to understand. So here goes!

Last year in August my dad flew up to MD and got James and I and drove us back to Tucson. Sean had been working long horrible hours and was gone 16-18 hours a day. Going back and forth on missions and what not. So I found out I was pregnant with Sophie and the ish hit the fan! I was freaking out wondering how I was going to take care of both of them, essentially alone. Hence the reason my dad came. We were having a bit of a marital crisis at the time so that didn't help matter at all. In September Sean and I had a REAL conversation for what seemed like the first time in years. We decided that it was important to both of us to work out our issues and live a long and happy life together. So he came home in November for Sophie's birth and stayed for a month and it was wonderful. We knew that everything would be ok because we would be moving back in together in November when he changed duty stations. Well we found out last month that he wouldn't be coming home. He was told that he'd be getting deployed for 6 months. Well last week we found out that he'd be gone for a whole freaking year. Let me tell you that could send any sane woman into depression. It sucks and it's hard to deal with the fact that we will only spend about 2 months together over the span of 2 years. It kills me. Breaks my heart because I will miss him. Breaks my heart because James will miss him. But I think the biggest reason is because Sophie will be almost 2 before he gets back. Everytime I think about that I breakdown and cry and cry. I will do everything in my power to make sure she knows who he is but I am so afraid that she is going to miss out on creating that father/daughter bond. Everyone tells me that she'll be fine and she'll adjust when he gets home and she won't remember it at all. But I am so scared. Terrified really.

So thats the story. Really nothing exciting but thats whats goin on in my world. Thanks for all the emails and for the happy thoughts. Here are a few pictures to make you smile!

i only

have one thing to say today.


Depression sucks. but not knowing how to figure a way out sucks even more.

I saw a quote today that said

"I like to walk in the rain because no one can see me crying"

yup that pretty much sums it up!

xo
jenn